My birthday was yesterday. I am feeling old. My bones hurt. Oh, for the days of jumping from rock to rock in a rushing stream to find an elusive trout. It is the wear and tear of the daily living that seems to have ripped the desire to pursue my dreams and to shadow my hopes.
With repeated attempts, I find myself unable to reach my greatest intentions. I am not giving up, but I seem to be losing my grip on the things that seemed to matter to me so much over the years. My greatest fear is getting to a place where I simply say, “what is the use.” What is the use to continue my quest to help where I can? What is the use to feed the next generation with my learned lessons of life, if they seem oblivious to the insight? When life was young there was an inner zest, or maybe a simple twitch toward the moral battle rightly engaged. There was a foe to slay, a flock to shepherd and protect, but now, what am I to do?
All sorts of compromises have been made as practical adjustments to the world in which we live. Legitimate hopes and dreams have been lost in the fog. Griefs settle upon me as I see myself more like Don Quixote battling windmills than King Arthur fighting the good fight. The struggle seems to have dulled my sword and now has become difficult to hold it up.
My bed beckons me each evening but I can’t sleep because of all the little naps taken to get through the day. The question, “what is the use” seems more and more close.
This does not mean that I will cease battling. I will continue to fight the good fight, I will finish my race. Just because I can not run 100 yards does not mean I am giving up to self-indulgence and retire to the companionship of my easy chair. I will, and I am doing my part to make a difference. I have not lost the zest of the moral struggle. I may hang on grimly to the end, but with the inner fire not quite as bright as it was back in the day, I will keep on keeping on.
The fire is still burning within me and even if no one comes by to warm themselves by it, I will keep it lit.
Your comments are requested.
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